so today i am at work - the sun is shining - it is straight beautiful. i wish brett were here to enjoy this beautiful weather/feeling outside. he's on a buddhist retreat, so i won't even be able to talk to him for 10 days. i'm feeling sort of disjointed about it because even though it is he who is on the retreat, i feel like i am too. the reason i think i feel that way is because, even though we live 4 hours away from eachother, we still talk at least twice a day. i am used to my daily happenings being interupted by these convos. it is strange not having that interuption. these interuptions can be nice, and then they can be a little stressful. nice because it is wonderful to have someone to love who loves you back - it's like a long-distance life coach and teammate. but these interuptions can be stressful when they are not convenient, like while at work or out with friends. i always pick up these calls even if it's not convenient because a.) it's hard not to pick up a call from someone you love and b.) i want to maintain a level of commitment and trust that would be sullied by avoiding a phone call because i'm at a bar.
anyway. long story short: i went out last night with two of my friends who are burgeoning tampa friends. one is a guy named geoff who is from jersey, a salesman, and a fabulously fun dancer. just a really good guy. my feelings were solidified about his awesomeness when i was having a mini panic attack in downtown tampa due to certain imbibements, and he was the one person who i knew i just had to find because he was good and would protect me. that and the fact that he can dip me to the ground while swing dancing. if any of this description sounds awkard in that i may have romantic feelings towards him: i don't - it's just super nice to have a fun friend to go out on the town with and be in the community. the other firend is my yoga teacher. her name is suzie - she's from PA and is awesome. she quit her high-paying, high-travel job in education to do a retreat in Bali in order to become a yoga teacher. she is into the yogic lifestyle and also into learning, love, forgiveness, positivity... but can also tip a few back and roll her own organic cig :) i just get wonderful vibes from her. plus, she lives in the apartment complex next door. it's kind of weird... i was really hoping internally that i would meet a true friend within a close distance to my house. without brett here to be my partner in crime, i dont have someone to go do the things i like to do: yoga, hiking, seeing concerts, watching movies, eating out, bla blabla. I guess everyone likes to do the same stuff, youve just gotta find the person who you vibe with. back to last night: geoff brought a bunch of friends who were pretty cool: one was on holiday from australia, and two girls were super fun, down and out ready to just talk and have a good time kind of girls. just had a nice night out. then suzie invited me back to her house where we imbibed somemore and talked about godknowswhat because i was pretty gone at that point. oh yea and she has great dogs. (and i dont usually like dogs too much...) then i went back to my apt and my roomie steph and her friend shane were there. i effing love shane and steph and i together. he's like our third roomie who completes the tree house club! lol
so i also made a decision last night to start abiding by the rules more at work. i can get away with a lot because my boss is who she is, i invest a lot personally into my job, and i dont have a black and white job description. but! i need to start following the rules for several reasons. number one is that this is a reoccuring issue in my life.. i cannot follow rules or authority if the rules do not make sense and are inconvenient. i have been this way my whole life and has caused me CONSIDERABLE grief. so, on a personal and spiritual level i need to acknowledge my struggle with inconvenient rules and make a concerted, valient, and REPEATED effort to break out of this karmic pattern. number two reason is that it's just rude to the other employees that i (seemingly) hold myself above the rules they are absolutely forced to follow. it's basically very unmannerly that i flaunt my freedom in front of them. Plus, i might get in trouble - you never know!
god, it is so weird that brett is so disconnected from me. it's depressing, anxious, and freeing all at the same time for me. him going on this trip is almost like he has literally dissapeared from the earth and left me in a strange state of non-singleness. i mean, he could come back from this retreat having realized that he wants to be a monk or that he doesn't really want to have a relationship with me! it makes me feel like i need to do some soul searching too. i also berate myself for feeling that way because i should be a loyal and good person who has unwavering faith and truth of heart. and i am that way! but only sometimes ;)... if only it could be always because then it would really count.
anyway, i have decided that this time that he is away i am going to: send him loving thoughts, keep what we have in my heart, but also to explore my life here in tampa on an individual level that i havent explored yet. the fact that our relationship is a very big part of my daily thoughts holds me back from truly investing a relationships and events here in tampa. i want to spend this weekend acting as if i am single (not in a sexual way, but in an emotional way) and explore all of my friend, event, and personal options to their fullest extent. i was reading a blog by a friend who moved to NYC and felt so scared but free and INTENSE about it. i think that my relationship with brett has cushioned the intensity of moving here to this awesome city and not knowing anyone. i can't be the free-floating feather in the wind while having a committed long distance relationship. this weekend, without any weirdness, i am going to just let myself be that free floating feather. the (ungrammatically-and-wonderfully-uncapiltalized) end.
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