once upon a time we were moonshine

so today was incredibly relaxing.

woke up and followed my kudalini book's suggestion for "how to wake up in the morning." it included doing some in-bed stretches before even getting out bed - a dry skin brushing - rubbing down with coconut oil - taking an ice cold shower - and then doing yoga. made a delish smoothie breakfast of: strawberries, blackberries, cherries, carrot juice and green powder. had some white tea and also some leftover blueberry buckwheat pancakes from yesterday. read my book on the porch. then walked to target to buy a book that wasn't there.

funny thing about walking to target was: usually i feel some transit annoyance with traffic and trying to secure a parking spot - also the fact that my car is less than perfectly comfortable adds to my slight discomfort upon arriving at a retail destination. By the time I enter the store, i am usually less than interested in my fellow man: it's more of a get-in and get-out excursion. today, arriving by foot, i felt a strange sense of real present-moment community watching the people entering the store just ahead of me... it was a warm connection with my brandon/riverview neighbors who just so happened to be shopping in our town marketplace at the same time as me.

anyway. got back to the house and changed into some yoga gear. Suzie was teaching her first yin/yang class today. class description: turns on the heat in the first half and then concentrates on stretching joints, ligaments, and muscles in the second part. It was the first time that I think i've really gotten into chavasana: when she told us to come back into our bodies, i found, almost alarmingly, that i really did need to come back into body-consciousness.

From there, I drove to the mall to buy a book. Beautiful drive. The screen on the bank read 96 degrees and i was on a post-yoga brain-dead high. The sky reminded me of what i think the African plains may look like when a giant storm rolls in: Giant black cloud cutting the bright blue sky in half. the humidity was excellent - like a thick, skin/throat/lung healing, misty blanket. maybe is florida a nice mixture of the African plains and the South American misty rainforests.

Got the mall and purchased my book - from there ventured on to Teavana where I got a tea blend called "Youthberry."... sweet, tangy, delicate orange blossom taste. then went home to make lunch of a big ol salad, seasoned and fried okra, and self-made almond milk sweetened with stevia and cocoa powder. then watched a movie and read my book on the porch in the sun. mmm then made some mahi mahi and spaghetti squash for dinner. de-freekin-licious.

Suzie then brought her doggies and a coupla beers over to play in the dog park. the dogs got crazy muddy rolling around in the puddles so we had to wash them off and both of us got soaked with stinky dog water. then came up to my apt and showered off. made some bed time tea and here i am now. super chill louis armstrong kinda night. gonna try to wake up early again tomorrow.

oh yea and talked to lauren yesterday. so good to talk to her - it's comforting to have known someone for that long. she and i were sophomore year roommates when i was dating josh bennett, my magical and wonderful highschool boyfriend. oh good times. she spoke some serious truths and, funny enough, i just knew it was time to give her a call. we've both been thinkin about the same topics lately. everything from the taught social norms of the procurement and securing of life "goals", quieting and learning from your ego, honesdale and it's restorative benefits (maybe the camp was a perfect detox at 22, and the institute would be good for me now at 25/26: such a magnetic place) and the power of speech and it's karmic ripples. i also cleaned my room super duper pretty last night and it makes me feel so comfy. mmmm tonight's music is "monster's of folk" and "minus the bear." here's a cool quote to end the bloggy sesh: "the universe is full of magical things, patiently awaiting for our wits to grow sharper." by eden phillipotts. goodnight.

this is my brain on blog

oooOOOooo so i might be addicted to blogging. i used to write in a blog all the time and this may be a resurgence! there is somehing so amazing about being able to just write and write and write ans dispel/develop thoughts. .. nice way to purge without having to worry about boring or entertaining people with your life. i wrote a blog a few years ago about how blogging is like being a tree in a deserted forest with no one around to care how you grow or what space you take up. conversation is like being a tree in a city park - gotta stay in your space and keep your branches/topics limited to socially and conversationally appropriate. dont get me wrong - i love people, convos, and city parks but it is just so cleansing to be able to rant. this blog is for me and im not going to be concerned about making it entertaining or even sequentially sensical. this is my brain on blog!! love that cuz it's so true. ive got some ideas for some changes and goals, but i dont want them to lose power by even writing abot them- i dont want the satisfaction of subconciously giving myself lame props for just writing about an idea. i need to take action! god this is making SO much sense to me at the moment! i've been living my life for a future that isnt promised - makin it about the destination and not the journey!!!! got to got to got to change the proverbial film shot to a different scene and that scene is here in tampa, here in my freedom, my head, my happiness. that is the only way to truly offer yourself to others as purely appreciative of their minds and unrestricted by false desires! a lot that ive done for the past few years has been either for an end goal, or careful so as not to disrupt that end goal. alright. that's noted and i'll have to refer back to this understanding in order to incorporate it into a second to second concious and kind flow. imma just do me while loving you... loving you truly by loving me fully.... what does love mean if it tempers your soul??!! so important to protect myself from my desires and goals for other people... and also to protect other people from me feeling it necessary to pressure goals and desires. dang... it's just so hard to live it!!! hmmmm. now off to bed cuz i gots me some hot yoga flow at 8am!!! yummmmm ps Orchestra Baobab is awesome.

free floating feather in the wind

so today i am at work - the sun is shining - it is straight beautiful. i wish brett were here to enjoy this beautiful weather/feeling outside. he's on a buddhist retreat, so i won't even be able to talk to him for 10 days. i'm feeling sort of disjointed about it because even though it is he who is on the retreat, i feel like i am too. the reason i think i feel that way is because, even though we live 4 hours away from eachother, we still talk at least twice a day. i am used to my daily happenings being interupted by these convos. it is strange not having that interuption. these interuptions can be nice, and then they can be a little stressful. nice because it is wonderful to have someone to love who loves you back - it's like a long-distance life coach and teammate. but these interuptions can be stressful when they are not convenient, like while at work or out with friends. i always pick up these calls even if it's not convenient because a.) it's hard not to pick up a call from someone you love and b.) i want to maintain a level of commitment and trust that would be sullied by avoiding a phone call because i'm at a bar.

anyway. long story short: i went out last night with two of my friends who are burgeoning tampa friends. one is a guy named geoff who is from jersey, a salesman, and a fabulously fun dancer. just a really good guy. my feelings were solidified about his awesomeness when i was having a mini panic attack in downtown tampa due to certain imbibements, and he was the one person who i knew i just had to find because he was good and would protect me. that and the fact that he can dip me to the ground while swing dancing. if any of this description sounds awkard in that i may have romantic feelings towards him: i don't - it's just super nice to have a fun friend to go out on the town with and be in the community. the other firend is my yoga teacher. her name is suzie - she's from PA and is awesome. she quit her high-paying, high-travel job in education to do a retreat in Bali in order to become a yoga teacher. she is into the yogic lifestyle and also into learning, love, forgiveness, positivity... but can also tip a few back and roll her own organic cig :) i just get wonderful vibes from her. plus, she lives in the apartment complex next door. it's kind of weird... i was really hoping internally that i would meet a true friend within a close distance to my house. without brett here to be my partner in crime, i dont have someone to go do the things i like to do: yoga, hiking, seeing concerts, watching movies, eating out, bla blabla. I guess everyone likes to do the same stuff, youve just gotta find the person who you vibe with. back to last night: geoff brought a bunch of friends who were pretty cool: one was on holiday from australia, and two girls were super fun, down and out ready to just talk and have a good time kind of girls. just had a nice night out. then suzie invited me back to her house where we imbibed somemore and talked about godknowswhat because i was pretty gone at that point. oh yea and she has great dogs. (and i dont usually like dogs too much...) then i went back to my apt and my roomie steph and her friend shane were there. i effing love shane and steph and i together. he's like our third roomie who completes the tree house club! lol

so i also made a decision last night to start abiding by the rules more at work. i can get away with a lot because my boss is who she is, i invest a lot personally into my job, and i dont have a black and white job description. but! i need to start following the rules for several reasons. number one is that this is a reoccuring issue in my life.. i cannot follow rules or authority if the rules do not make sense and are inconvenient. i have been this way my whole life and has caused me CONSIDERABLE grief. so, on a personal and spiritual level i need to acknowledge my struggle with inconvenient rules and make a concerted, valient, and REPEATED effort to break out of this karmic pattern. number two reason is that it's just rude to the other employees that i (seemingly) hold myself above the rules they are absolutely forced to follow. it's basically very unmannerly that i flaunt my freedom in front of them. Plus, i might get in trouble - you never know!

god, it is so weird that brett is so disconnected from me. it's depressing, anxious, and freeing all at the same time for me. him going on this trip is almost like he has literally dissapeared from the earth and left me in a strange state of non-singleness. i mean, he could come back from this retreat having realized that he wants to be a monk or that he doesn't really want to have a relationship with me! it makes me feel like i need to do some soul searching too. i also berate myself for feeling that way because i should be a loyal and good person who has unwavering faith and truth of heart. and i am that way! but only sometimes ;)... if only it could be always because then it would really count.

anyway, i have decided that this time that he is away i am going to: send him loving thoughts, keep what we have in my heart, but also to explore my life here in tampa on an individual level that i havent explored yet. the fact that our relationship is a very big part of my daily thoughts holds me back from truly investing a relationships and events here in tampa. i want to spend this weekend acting as if i am single (not in a sexual way, but in an emotional way) and explore all of my friend, event, and personal options to their fullest extent. i was reading a blog by a friend who moved to NYC and felt so scared but free and INTENSE about it. i think that my relationship with brett has cushioned the intensity of moving here to this awesome city and not knowing anyone. i can't be the free-floating feather in the wind while having a committed long distance relationship. this weekend, without any weirdness, i am going to just let myself be that free floating feather. the (ungrammatically-and-wonderfully-uncapiltalized) end.